The feedback I got was to add more details. I added a lot of activities that would be provided at this adult camp. I also incorporated the frustration that many people feel now with all of the negative energy going on in the world. I wanted to tap into people having fond memories and get them excited to go have fun. Because of the nature of this business I have planned from the beginning to not be very formal and business-like in my approach. I wanted the pitches to be more conversation-like. This business will probably thrive on mainly word-of-mouth.
As far as my personal pitch style, I realized I have nervous "ticks" that I do in front of the camera that I don't do anywhere else. I twitch my shoulder a lot and I look around quite a bit. I think it's because I'm not talking to an actual person. If I was speaking to someone face-to face then I would feel rude looking around so much while talking. It just feels weird to stare into the eyes of a phone!
Hi Brian!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job adding some activities into your pitch. It really shows the audience what the camp has to offer and why it would be fun to go. I like that you come across as if you are talking to a friend, it makes the camp feel even more like it will be a fun and relaxed time. I think you could add stats to make your presentation even more dynamic. You mentioned that people need a break from work. Maybe a stat like "on average, my customers spend XX hours at work." It will show that sometimes people work way too hard and do not relax enough which your camp can provide. Great job!